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[Tuesday
April 28th, 2009 at 4:41am] |
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I definitely feel that as I grow older and older, I'm becoming a worse person. Or most recently, I've been think about relationship cycles of pain. As in you date someone who got hurt and then they hurt you because they'd been previously hurt and then you hurt the next person you date because you'd gotten hurt by the last person. I can see how it might sound like a cop out or excuse but .. it happens so often.
Aside from this, I am absolutely in love with my five year old of a boyfriend. I don't think I've ever felt this way, most definitely not with Austin. I love Austin, still. I think about him all the time. But my new baby ginger boy toy has got me completely wrapped around his finger (and he thinks the same about me.) We're so goddamn cute together it even makes me nauseous sometimes. see: he leaves notes for me in various places like returned gum boxes and current books i'm reading and I make him obscenely adorable cards attached to mix tapes and send them in the mail to his house a mile away.
This is my fourth/fifth "real" relationship and I can honestly say he makes me feel like a (love) virgin. And that too .. ha.
Ehm, in other news my dad's wife left him. For another man. That's number two. Brb heart breaking. Baby Ally (who still can't really talk though she's nearly three haha) is in Cambodia with my dad who has pretty much given up on most everything and is essentially quitting his job. I hate being selfish in the situation but srsly. What the fuck am I going to do without health insurance. The entire situation is pretty fucked up and big bro is trying yet again to pick up the pieces of our fucked up family but who really knows.
Cough. I hate money. I hate money problems. I hate family problems. I do love family though so it evens out.
I miss I miss I miss Jamie Johnstone. I miss Jillisa Badaraco. I miss I miss I miss life circa 1990 when my mind could barely form thoughts and I didn't know. Pretty much after that everything went to shit.
Mmmmm I love kisses.
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[Friday
February 27th, 2009 at 1:26am] |
Dear god can we just have a gush session right now?
Charlie totally baked me his mom's oatmeal raisin cookies because I told him they're my favorite kind. And dropped them off while I was working today. Fuck. I fucking melted.
And then I came home and there was this letter for me with a card and a cd and the card had a sailboat paint-stenciled in and had kind words inside and uggghhh fuck.
I have feelings for two boys basically. And one is stupid and dumb but I love him, like I'd do anything for him love him, like fucking anything and the other is sweet and nice but emo as fuck, but we've got that spark, you know that crazybeautiful one where you can lay in bed and literally look at each other for hours and not get bored.
Basically the two are completely incomparable but it does get a girl thinking.
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[Wednesday
January 14th, 2009 at 1:03am] |
Farewell biology.
Hello anthropology. Sociology?
One or the other.
Plus TESOL. Exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I'm finally happy.
Also, I've been hanging out with this 26 year old banker. More specifically a banker from my bank. So I guess he's my banker?
Awkward, I know. But he's cute and a little baby bit chubby which I kinda love.
Oh and wow. Can you say fireworks? It was all sparks and electricity. And we were totally rounding second when I got that stupid bullshit panicky feeling inside me. I'm guessing it was my conscience who is totally convinced that I need to stay in a constant state of sexual unsatisfaction or I'll spontaneously combust or something.
Whatever. Got some anyways.
xo,teang.
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[Wednesday
November 19th, 2008 at 6:59pm] |
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I AM SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED.
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[Tuesday
November 4th, 2008 at 11:51pm] |
I know this will sound quite trite, but I am terribly pleased !
And to everyone who chose not to vote, thinks this election is a joke or is just simply "beyond modern politics" I think that its important to note that the United States just took a huge step forward by electing a black president. Maybe he is just another dirty politician or a puppet controlled by the media, but to win the vote of a nation that was built on the defiling, oppression and enslavement of black people? Well, I'd say it was a fine victory indeed.
I wouldn't really expect narrow-minded folk who have no sense of anything outside of their cushy little middle class lives to fully understand the greatness, the progress, the victory - our victory.
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[Monday
October 27th, 2008 at 11:25pm] |
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music |
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nobody's supposed to be here. |
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I don't know, I had this amazing night where I felt entirely single and was just dancing and loving and being me and it felt great. And it felt like old times!
Cept back in the day I usually ended up in someone else's bed. But I mean. I guess we're just not young like we used to be right. Just kisses I swear.
God, he's had a hold on me for so long. How long has it been? Spring '07. Jesus Christ. And I've been working, working really hard to get rid of him and I think it's coming. And I just think it's fucked up that I'm the one here listening to All Cried Out by Allureft.112 like I'm in some fucking 90's movie or something. But damn those slow jams were amazing, yeah? That's the goddamn truth.
But I mean, the other night I wanted to sleep with someone else that wasn't him. That's gotta count for something. And how the fuck did I get dumped? Fuck. Next time I swear.. I swear I'm going to make someone hurt.
But really who am I kidding? Yeah. We all know how the story's going to end.
Oh shit but my big broham is getting married on July 11th. Happiest news I've heard in a long time. Also, I was the big hockey shooting puck stick winner thing Friday night! It was the hightlight of my week!
Also, I am Cambodian!
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[Thursday
September 4th, 2008 at 11:55pm] |
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One day I'll be able to enjoy the happiness that I deserve.
Tattoo soon.
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[Saturday
July 12th, 2008 at 2:02am] |
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Aside from the dark entries as of late I am, in fact, very happy with my life.
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[Friday
June 6th, 2008 at 4:15pm] |
I don't even know, I'm stressed, I'm unhappy, I'm alone. But not all the time. Like. Last night with my love - my roomie and her love. And my Brendan and my Anna. It was good.
But sometimes -! Oh man. I could just hurt him. And her and all the people that PISS ME OFF.
And I don't want to be angry anymore and the majority of the time I'm not. I'm apathetic. Which scares me even more. Indifference, mediocrity, it's all just clouding over and I'm waiting for the day that it mmmmm rains....
I need a job. And I want to meet the man of my dreams. Aka. K.a. We'd be so happy together. And make little brown children that are incredibly politically aware. (all credited to him.) And clumsy. to me.
And the days are not full enough
And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass.
-- Ezra Pound
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[Wednesday
May 14th, 2008 at 10:40am] |
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I need to grow a fucking pair.
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[Monday
April 28th, 2008 at 3:55pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
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music |
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dude. that sick, vomiting star is nasty. |
] |
I saw Rilo Kiley for the second time in my life and it felt so good. And I had my right hand woman there, just like the first time. And a girl that I love. And a boy that I love. Like the first time. It was unbelievable.
I'm in love with this activist that goes to my school and is running for AS President. He makes my heart just baaam and I think he's so amazing and I know everything about all the work he does but he has no idea who I am. My friends all laugh at me but I know whats up.
My french professor is a snatchface. I hate French class now which sucks because its normally what keeps me sane. She's some french bitch thats a friend of the Head of Dept. and I hate her.
I'm living with Calla, AnnaB, Sara and some random girl named Ali next year that Cal brought in. I don't even even fucking know but whatevs. We still need to find a house .. AH! So stressful.
Ooh, so I've been planning my birthday party even though its not til July 19th. But still, I'm really fucking excited. We're gonna have a pinata. !!!!
Oh yeah and. I lost my voice and sound like a twelve year old boy.
I'm gonna go jack off to dirty comic books now. Peace.
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[Saturday
March 29th, 2008 at 4:42pm] |
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mood |
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whole. |
] |
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music |
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last call |
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So I got to spend five days of spring break in Long Beach sailing on the open seas. It was pretty wonderfully wonderful aside from the occasional floating trash in the water. :/ I could never live in California.
It was lovely, I got to spend time with some people I really care about and enjoy being around. I also got to see my helm cry. That was hard but. I don't know. It was kinda gorgeous to see him break down.
I'm not sure but I discovered the other day that I can sort of sketch. My drawings aren't very good .. but I suppose that happens when you don't try until you're nineteen. I think I'm finally starting to feel okay with the fact that I'm not amazing or immensely gifted at one single thing, but kinda just. Okay at a lot. It used to bother me but I'm growing fond of the mediocrity.
Ohbut. Here's a poem that I've always loved.
Keeping Things Whole
In a field
I am the absence
of field.
This is
always the case.
Wherever I am
I am what is missing.
When I walk
I part the air
and always
the air moves in
to fill the spaces
where my body's been.
We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole.
-Mark Strand
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[Friday
March 21st, 2008 at 12:12pm] |
Hi, life is good, I miss Jaime Johnstone, feeling ultra-fem, had a sexy workout last night with my girls, kicked finals' ass, had conversations with myself about race, don't need austinK, don't hate austinK, still love austinK, but I love myself more.
obama ftw.
jabbawockeez ftw.
me ftw.
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[Saturday
February 16th, 2008 at 6:13pm] |
So, someone who happens to be 4'11" and 3/4 and is brown and has small hands and wears a ring on her left middle finger kind of got herself cheated on.
I don't really know what to think or feel or anything right now. I can't even comprehend the entire situation. He says they never did anything .. but the words. The words were enough. He asked her to be his on Valentine's Day .. that's enough. He told her he wanted to watch a movie and cuddle with her .. that's enough. He said he wanted to introduce her to all his friends and family and yeah. That's enough.
Well, I want to die.
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[Tuesday
February 12th, 2008 at 11:50pm] |
Oh so, life is good right now!
I had a dreamy weekend in that, living was like dreaming and dreaming was like living .. cause he was there.
I'm very close to failing my math class, and it hurts.
I am very much thinking about an L.T. all the time but I literally have no time to call. Kisses, though.
My health is not so good right now, but improving. Kind of.
I miss so many people!
I am quitting sail for the partialpart.
I don't know, I'm no good at school sometimes.
But, you know. Life's good. Cause I got a new LG screen!
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[Sunday
February 3rd, 2008 at 12:14am] |
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I would like to help people. I think there are others that feel this is a naive notion and that I'm young and silly and idealistic and everything but I really feel like this is what I was made to be. I was made to help others. And sometimes I'm not very good at it. And perhaps I'm not the most qualified. But I want so badly to do it. And that counts for something.
I want to give and give and give until there's so much of me left to give that I never stop giving. One day I'll be there. For now I'll take it one day, one good deed, one smile at a time.
There are so many little things that happen to me and people that make me laugh and smile and I wish that everyday and everyone and everything were like this. But I know they're not and I want to move towards that ultimate, that absolute.
I want this so!
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[Monday
January 21st, 2008 at 9:08pm] |
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music |
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pebbles forgive me. |
] |
weekend update:
thursday:
-broke up with the boyfriend
-washed popeye's chicken, haagen-daaz, mocha pudding, raisinets, tortilla chips and cucumbers down with baileys and full moon on the floor of my best girlfriend's apartment
-drunkass
friday:
-went to work and realized that lanky co-worker and i are actually the same person
-went to canada, spilled my very first legal drink all over sketchy friend's white top
-got a little too close to tall, redheaded friend that looks like shia laboeuf (the awkwardly awkward part, not the awkwardly sexy part) on the dance floor but not enough for it to be awkward in the morning or when he was in me and best girlfriend sandwich
-had the best falafel that wasn't really falafel ever
saturday:
-went back home to the states
-listened to depressing music
-wrote depressing words
-played depressing things
sunday:
-listened to depressing music
-wrote depressing words
-played depressing things
monday:
-waited
-waited
-waited
-ex-boyfriend finally called.
-still in love song.
I don't know. But Canada was really a fucking blast. Next time I'm taking you, besty.
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[Monday
January 14th, 2008 at 11:47pm] |
My boyfriend and I are so not right for each other. But we stay together cause we like each other and can't bear being apart. And we are happy. For the halfpart.
But. Is it bad that I'm 17% excited for him to leave so we can have a legit reason not to be together?
And then there was intro to religion and my heart just went thumpthump and I couldn't contain my hope.
Uhhg.
French is fucking kicking my ass in a semi-serious way. I'm starting to get a little overwhelmed.
And I'm so tired all the time but I am ready to take on new project. New new new. I always forget I'm asian. Now I never will.
I need Leslie Feist all in white and I need her maintenant.
Love you forever but you're driving me insane
and I'm hanging on.
ha. whatthefuck at my lame quoting.
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[Monday
January 7th, 2008 at 11:52pm] |
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mood |
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 better. |
] |
I am better.
Christmas with the family was wonderful. I've missed them all so much. I hate thinking of how things might be in ten years, say, if we all lived in different cities. I hate that thought.
Ally is growing up. And she's so big and so little all at the same time and she makes me feel so many things.
The bf has officially been denied from six schools out of twenty-two. I hope I hope I hope for the sake of his sanity that he gets in.
Speaking of boy, we finally "determined the relationship" and in the span of three minutes, we finally understood each other and we're finally on the same page. It was tearful and beautiful and warm with a very slight chill. It felt really good.
I need my capacity for love to growgrowgrow and stop shrinking! This growing up stuff is nonsense.
I am pleased with:
Enchanted
Once
Juno
I am also pleased with this normal, boring entry.
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[Friday
December 14th, 2007 at 1:11am] |
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mood |
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mmm. |
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music |
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violins |
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Finals are finally fucking over. Thank god.
I was supposed to have a really fun night with my two roommates. It started out okay, then just sucked. Sometimes I feel like a huge, lameass partypooper.
Maybe cause one of them is a r-word that is not okay for me to say because everyone will think that I'm a whiny bitch that's just seeing things and should just be grateful for the life I have.
But really though. I'm not very fun. I don't know.
Things I do know:
-I love Full Moon, the Christmas-y delicious-er version of Blue.
-Piano is pretty.
-I hate not having a car.
-Everybody should wax. It's worth the pain. And you're a little bitch if you scream.
-My ex-boyfriend finally deleted me from his life. It hurts. But I hurt him more. So.
-I don't really want to go home to my crazy asian mom but I need to get the fuck out of Bellingham.
-I need a bigger bed.
-Sometimes I tell myself fibs.
-Knocked Up is my favorite favorite favorite movie for 3 months now.
-I don't know what classifies as blond hair.
Is it odd that I watch laughing babies on youtube when I'm sad and want to be happy? :/
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